Monday, 15 May 2017

Never put a used nappy in a washing machine.

I’m back. Did you miss me? (Maybe don’t answer that). Last week was busy and I did a lot of commuting by car so had no writing time. How do people drive to work everyday? I don’t know how you do it. For most of last week I felt sedentary, frustrated at sitting still and going nowhere, and really pissed off that my satnav had taken me to places like Ruislip and South Oxhey. I never thought that I would venture to either place but I have now. Didn’t Gareth Malone do his first choir thing in South Oxhey? Anyway, I’ve been now so I don’t need to go back. So, apart from long journeys I’ve also been dealing with a two year old who has discovered tantrums, has a teething cold and has stopped sleeping again. Paw patrol is back on you muthas!


 Sweet mother of pearl. I feel like I’m just about getting through each day. We are having work done in our garden which requires some sort of brain power from me as I am having to project manage the thing. Today, I’ve got the small one. She is exhausted, pouring with snot and has a bumpy rash on her forehead so I shoved her in front of Frozen, this morning so I could get on with shit. After two strong coffees I achieved quite a lot. She is now asleep so I finally have some time to write. Today, we have our builder in who is doing a sterling job whilst I do a sterling job at being a crap parent. I over cooked her lunch but have managed to get a doctor’s appointment for the rash so that’s 5 mum points to me. Possibly lose 5 for the crap lunch. So, I’m back to zero. Bugger. I’m back into the brain fog again. We have been up three, four, five times a night with this cold/teeth/separation from Mummy shizzle. I have slept on the floor twice more since my last confession and my back is screwed. However, I have made myself go Vegan for 30 days so I’m very healthy on the inside, have glowing skin and can look a pig in the eye at Hobbledown Farm without feeling like a complete bastard. But no  amount of healthy living will reduce the size of the bags under my eyes. The coal scuttles are back.

 Ever since my daughter’s birthday, in fact the day after, the terrible twos began. Ye Gods, do we have a whole year of this? I’m going to end up in a padded cell. I mean she can really scream when she’s pissed off. If you get too close you will walk away with a perforated ear drum and a feeling of regret. There’s lots of throwing herself on the floor like she’s in a Greek tragedy and a lot of me carrying her across me as it’s the only way to get her out of public places quickly and also a good position for restraining a fighting, angry toddler. But all of this is going on with not a lot of sleep for everyone involved. I tried doing some mental arithmetic the other day and it took me two hours to work out the length of fencing we needed but only between the posts. I had to draw a diagram in the end. I also left the hob gas ring on and nearly burnt my sodding arm off, broke down crying in a medical role play as I got into it a bit too much and the epic fail of all epic fails was putting a used nappy in the washing machine. I mean, we have a lot of washing. We also have a lot of washing that needs to be washed but just stays in the dirty clothes basket. There’s stuff in the bottom that’s been there since we moved house last October. Anyhoo, I did my fourth load of the day, took it out and wondered why our laminate looked like a winter wonderland. I removed the washing piece by piece and everything was covered in a white dust and bits of white fluff. And then I found the offending article. A size 5, pull up nappy, used and entangled in some of my opaque tights. Great. Just great. Don’t do it. Ever. Even if you rinse it all again it will still be covered and when you go to hang it out it all falls to the floor. Thank god for me hand held, cordless mini vacuum. It’s paid for itself for getting me out of this latest cock up. As I type this, that sodding squirrel is looking at me. Goading me. He wants my tub of violas but he ain’t going to have them this time. I went out into the garden on Saturday morning to find flower heads all over our decking where the little shit had tucked in. Well, no more Mr. Squirrel. No more. I know where you live.


 Right. I’m back. Squirrel was sent packing. Not on my watch ya little git. It’s been very difficult to get motivated to do anything the past week.  I have managed to put all of the birthday presents away and I’ve ordered nice thankyou cards with a pic of the nipper on the front and written two thirds of them. I have also found a ballet class for her to go to and made a vegan cheesecake. I did one from the Deliciously Ella book. Now that lass uses a lot of ingredients in her recipes. I mean, loads of nuts. She must have a massive food processor. I very nearly knackered the motor of my Mouilnex, just trying to get through the ton of dates she suggested. Also, I hadn’t read the bits where I was supposed to soak said nuts for 3-4 hours before cooking and freeze my bananas. Who has time to soak nuts FFS. I busked it and it looked pretty cool in the end. Our lovely friends ate it without gagging so it can’t have been that bad. So, that’s been me my little friends. Hopefully will have more opportunity to write this week. Got some commutes so I shall type to my heart’s content and drink coffee made by someone else. Now that bastard squirrel is back. Please excuse me.


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