Monday, 10 April 2017

This is a two flat white problem.

I’ve got another sodding cold. I managed to avoid the vom bug (both small person and Daddy had it. Daddy single handedly redecorated the bathroom) so every cloud. But because of all the late nights I have succumbed to a vile cold. I’ve got through three boxes of tissues, one bottle of Otrivine, two packets of nurofen cold and flu and half a packet of Lemsip. Now, the irony of all of this is that a certain nearly to be two year old has started sleeping. Even with the arrival of a molar, her sleep has been transformed. She must have known that I’d started writing a blog. I’ve had to administer a paw for the odd night but she’s done really well. However, I am now not sleeping. Ha bloody ha. Last night, I decided not to watch the final round of the Masters. This is a tradition of mine. I watch it every year, normally fall asleep but I find it incredibly therapeutic. The sound of cracking golf balls, the gentle applause from the spectators and the soothing tones of Peter Alliss. Wonderful. I was so tired though that I went straight to bed, put on The Archers Omnibus and fell into a peaceful slumber at about 9:45. At 1:30 I woke up. Bugger.

1:40am Normally, I would get up and go to the loo and gradually get back to sleep. But not last night. I got up, went to the loo, got a glass of water, had a look outside in the garden, took a nurofen, shoved some otrivine up my nostrils like an over-zealous clubber and then tried going to bed. Oh, all this after a really tremendous coughing sesh. Daddy still snoring away and no stirring from the monitor. How are they sleeping through this!?

2:15am I checked Instagram. It’s amazing what people post in the early hours of the morning. I checked Twitter. I had a look at the BBC news app. You’ll be pleased to know that Sergio Garcia won The Masters.

2:30am After another good hack into the duvet covers I realised that I was about to run out of perfume so I went on my favourite website to purchase a new scent. It’s a Brighton based company called Eden. They produce Vegan scents and many of them are practically the same as the big brands. So, I will smell nice in an ethical way. That’s one thing I can feel good about.

2:45 More tissues needed and more Robinson's squash as my throat feels red raw. That’s the great thing about a ruddy good cold and being a voice over artist. No voice, no work. And no work means no pay as I’m self-employed. It really couldn’t be a worse situation. Fatigue is also a great way to truly bugger one’s voice. With the amount of times I’ve lost my voice this year I should really look into learning British sign language, a career in mime or maybe becoming a librarian.

3am Still. Sodding. Awake. What’s that? A tremor of the monitor bars? Ooh. Now this will occupy my insomnia. I go in and administer a hug and then she goes straight back to sleep. No paw patrol. No stroking back. No teething granules a la Wolf of Wall Street. I creep back out of the room and do a turn about the living room.

3:30am I have finally found a comfortable position for sleeping and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

6am SFX Birds tweeting, 42 year old man snoring, bus going past. Small child shouts “Mummy” very loudly to get my attention as she wants to come into the big bed for morning snuggle.
Then there were three all crammed into a standard double. Daddy snoring, small one lies there snoozing rubbing my hand furiously, Mummy lies there eyes wide open. Still. Sodding. Awake.

7am Alarm goes off. I drag my weary backside into the shower, leaving my small family snoozing and snuggling. Oh, how cute. I’m so happy for them!

8:35 I leave the house and head down the hill making sure that I have time to get a Soya Flat White before my train. The lovely chap at Puccino’s gets it all done with a minute to spare. I get a seat and neck my caffeinated beverage.

8:50 Waterloo Station. I head straight to Pret. Another Soya Flat White is ordered. Today is a two flat white problem. The other problem is the fact that I barely have any voice. I spend £10 on Vocalzone, Lockets and tissues and anything that a Koala with a raging Eucalyptus habit would lose a paw for.

And there you have it. It’s not even 9 o’clock but I already feel like I’ve done a full day’s work. I can not wait for the snot to dissolve, the crack in my voice to lift and my need to spend money in the cold and flu department of Boots to cease forthwith. Anyway, I think it might be time for another Flat White…

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