So, I bet your're all peeing yourselves with anticipation to find out how my night out went? No? What' that? You'd rather kick yourself in the face with a golf shoe? Fair enough. I'll tell ya anyway.
I got a text from my chap as I was on my way home from my friends house. A convivial, laid back, impromptu wine and pizza night. Early doors. School night. All got kids.
The text read, "The kraken has arisen!". I rang him. He had a dilemma of whether to go in or to sit it out until I got home. He went in.
I got to my front and she was hysterical. Proper ploppy tears and shoulders going up and down like a pair of fire bellows. I dumped my handbag down, took my shoes off, unplugged my phones and paused the episode of 'Scummy Mummies' that I was listening to and ran in. As soon as she saw me she tried to throw herself out of Daddy's arms and wrapped herself around my neck like a paranoid koala who thinks someone is trying to take away his eucalyptus. And I mean ALL the eucalyptus.
She eventually calmed down but half way through the night I ended up on the spare duvet with Paw Patrol in full swing (right hand, sixth bar of the cot). I woke up the next morning feeling knackered. I peeled myself off the floor, gently removed my hand from the cot and fell into a shower. This was the sort of day when there isn't enough Touch Eclat in the world to cover up the damage. Foundation was trowelled onto my face and I sunk three soya flat whites before the hour of 11. Dark times my friends. Dark times.
People tell you about the "sleep thing" when you embark on parenthood but you don't really listen. I did actually have some insight into what went on. I remember staying overnight with one of my best friends and her two week old little boy. We went to bed and within two hours of just reaching deep sleep this little chap had got other ideas.The next morning I felt like utter shite.and thought, "How does one function on so little sleep?".
The answer is you just do. But not always. If we've put in an all nighter, you don't function. The day is a right off, it becomes about getting through it. Tears, coffee, nappy change and more tears, more coffee and more nappy changes. Going outside feels abnormal. When I've not slept it feels like my head is in a goldfish bowl. Time slows down, clarity of thought evaporates, reason goes too and you turn into a snappy, naggy, hag woman with eyes like a panda from all the crying. So, here is a list of the things that I have done through sleep deprivation:
- Go out of the front door on my way to work without any shoes on.
- Go to work without a bra on. (Pepsi and Shirley need restraining believe me)
- miss a voice booking
- Turn up for a voice over session in Oxford that I was never booked for
- Lock my daughter in our flat whilst taking out the bins as I forgot to wedge the door open
- cancel or miss meetings with friends
- be a real class A cow to my gorgeous husband
- put on an inordinate amount of weight
- eat cake, cheese and chocolate as if they were my five a day
- forget my debit card pin
-forget how to start my car
-forget the basics of English Grammar ( this blog proves that one)
- lose my libido. It's like Lord Lucan or Shergar? Where did it go?
So, it's no wonder that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. You lose yourself and your senses. It makes you ill and you stop looking after yourself. I have just come out of a month of 2/3 hours sleep a night. The result of which has been a chest infection teamed with a Glaswegian housewife cough. I've put on half a stone, my roots need doing and I really need to start jogging again. We go through these challenging patches and it seems to calm for a week or two. Until the next growth spurt, tooth, cold, bout of the trots, 'R' in the month or the clocks changing. But you know what? She's worth it. As a hare once said, I love her right up to the moon and back.
Oh Rats. The clocks are due to go forward aren't they? Bring. It. On.
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